So, school has actually been really good this week. Not too much homework and I'm not stressed out. There is one thing I am worried about though. I've decided that I'm going to do tennis. BUT the thing is try outs are on the ninth and I have segment two on the ninth! I really hope that tryouts are later on in the day because segment two is right after school until 4:45. I want to do tennis so bad! I wanted to before because me and Alex played all the time and it was so fun and he told me I was really good. But then I changed my mind because I was worried I would get overwhelmed with having to worry about school and then having practice everyday but today Alex talked me into it because he knows that I want to do it. A bunch of my friends are doing it to and that would give me a chance to make even more friends. I was so upset when I realized that try outs and segment two are on the same day. I'll just keep praying that I'll be able to try out! There's a meeting next Tuesday the 3rd so I'll figure everything out then.

For Lent I gave up swearing, being negative, and being mean to Alex. So far, I'm doing okay. I haven't swore yet, I haven't been mean to Alex, but I have still been kind of negative. Just today Alex and I went running and he kept saying you can do it you can do it and of course I kept saying no I can't I need to really work on that. Alex said he used to always be how I am when it comes to that, but now he always says that he can, which I need to start doing.

So, like I said this week was good so hopefully tomorrow won't ruin it. Lisa's coming home tomorrow (: I'm excited! Hopefully she'll be home in time to go to the fish fry. After that Alex is coming over and we might go see a movie. I might try and find an indoor tennis place instead I'm not sure. Then on Saturday Taylor's spending that night so that should be fun! Sunday me and Lisa are going to church and then I'm hanging out with Alex. It should be a good weekend (:

Ew School.

So tomorrow's Monday which means back to reality. I hate school so much. This break was pretty boring, but I'd much rather be at home bored than at school. I know this will never happen but I wish Alex still went to school with me. Last year I didn't miss any school because I knew he was there. This year I have missed school. I don't care about going at all. I didn't stay home for no reason, but if I would've gone I'm sure I would've been fine.

Today I was looking forward to hanging out with Alex once I was ready, but of course that can never happen anymore. Something always comes up. His family has to make it a family trip to go get their computer fixed or whatever it is they have to do. Don't get me wrong I love his family, but I never really got to spend time with him as much anymore. They always want him home or he has homework or something. Today's my last day of break I don't want to spend it all by myself in my room all day I want to hangout with him. I have no idea when he'll be able to though.

I was really proud of myself today though. When Alex told me how he couldn't hangout right away or whatever I didn't get mad or upset or anything (: It bothered me a little bit, but I didn't cry or anything. I really am trying to change my attitude.

Somethings like wrong with me. I have the worst anger problems lately and it's bugging the hell out of me! I keep crying about everything too. I'm not even on or about to be on my period. I feel like I need anger management or something. I keep embarassing myself. I keep apologizing to Alex for being an idiot and I'm worried one time when I apologize he's not going to want to forgive me anymore. I'm trying so hard, but I guess not hard enough. I'm so scared to go back to school, I hate it so much. It's so hard and it' so stressful. I wish I was on break this coming week too because Alex is. Today's going to be really boring. I was supposed to be going to a birthday party with Alex's family, but his cousin is sick so they canceled it. Now, in order for Alex to be able to eat over tomorrow he has to eat at home today. That sucks because now I'll do nothing all day and it's Saturday! I want to actually do something. The bad part is that I want to do something with Alex not any of my friends. My friends never call me anyways they always say they want to hangout and then never call. I don't want it to always be up to me to plan when we're hanging out because then I feel like they don't even want to hangout. Maybe if I go take a shower I'll feel better. I'm gonna go try that,

So of course I'm on here to complain. It really bothers me how Alex gets in trouble by his parents when he hasn't even done anything. Like today, his dad's car is getting fixed or something so they have to go get it. His dad is sick so him and his mom have to go get it and his mom yells at him because they have to go get the car. Like come on what was the point of yelling at him? It's not his fault that they have to get the car or that his dad is sick! I just had to get that out it was bothering me. I'm kind of upset because I thought we were finally going to get to hangout all day and then now we can't because he has to wait five million years to go get the car. Whatever.

I really wish I would get my butt up on Sundays and go to church. I always say I'm going to go, and then I don't want to wake up. Also, I can't go when Lisa isn't here because I have no one to take me. Once I get my license I'm hoping I'll get myself to go. I really like it there. Alex won't go because he thinks he'd get freaked out. He's more for strict lutheran religion plus he loves his church. His family invited me to go with them and I kind of want to, but then I feel bad intruding on there family activities.
Russell is driving me crazy right now! Whenever he has friends over he has to act like a complete idiot. He thinks that just because I can swear(wow what a big priviledge) that he can. He's 11 I'm almost 16! Get over it! He really bothers me sometimes like when he says he hopes that I die that kills me. I try not to show it, but it really does hurt. Well, I need to go downstairs and get the hell away from him before I punch him in the face!

(:

I feel a lot better now. Me and Alex talked and I apologized like a million times and of course he said he didn't deserve the apology (he did!). But I feel so much better now (: I'm gonna try to be a lot happier and a lot more positive about everything. I really want to get my body the way I want it to be. I think that has been part of why I've been so angry lately. When I'm not happy with myself I'm not happy with anyone. I'm gonna try and do whatever I can to make my body look the way I want it to it's hard though when I'm not old enough to go to a gym, but oh well. Well I'm going to sleep goodnight (:

Ugh.

I feel so bad I keep being mean to Alex lately. I don't know why but I'm just letting everything bother me. I get mad at him even when it's about things that aren't even his fault. When I wake up I tell myself this is going to be a good day and then I let something stupid ruin my day. Like yesterday I got mad at Alex because he said we couldn't hangout the entire day today because he had to go to the gym and I friggin got mad! Like why? That's so stupid who cares! But yeah I got mad and it pisses me off when he tries to turn it all around and blame it on himself when I know that it's 100% my fault! Just like ten minutes ago when he called me I got mad at him because yesterday I asked him if he wanted to go out to lunch and he said no we'll go tomorrow so I was like fine I got mad about that because I'm stupid. And then now today he says he doesn't want to go out to eat anymore because he doesn't feel like driving yet he'll go drive to the gym and wherever else with Spencer. It's stupid for me to get mad, but I can't help it. I'm trying but i'm not doing very well. Well I'm gonna go get ready even though I have to wait like two more hours to hangout with Alex so I don't know what the rush is.

Thursday

I should be doing my homework, but I'm kind of upset. This is so stupid, but it just made me mad. I was invited to Steve Mazur's party. I asked if Alex could come and Steve was like of course he can! And I asked Alex and he said he doesn't want to go. Like I guess maybe it's uncool because it's a high school party and he's in college, but it just sucks. I thought he would want to go, but he said he doesn't really like anyone that will be there so I guess I have to go by myself :( That's gonna suck. Oh well, I guess I'll get over it.

Tuesday

My laptop is finally going to be fixed! My brother and my neighbor are totally redoing it this weekend. That makes me feel so much better! Computers are seriously so annoying when they don't do what you want them to do. Well, this week has been okay so far. Yesterday was good until sixth hour. Mrs. Kasle yelled at me because writing while she was talking. What's funny is I was writing down my homework which she yells at us to do and she was talking about stupid groundhogs which has nothing to do with Spanish. She's so annoying sometimes. Today was fine nothing exciting nothing too bad. I'm liking this semester more than last. I have more friends now. I'm really glad that I'm talking to Taylor Davidson again and Natalie VanDorn.
Sweethearts is on Friday and I'm so excited (: I love love love my dress its red and its just really cute.