I can't fall asleep until I get this off my chest. I feel like my family doesn't appreciate me and that I'm just not good enough for them. I mean my extended family and not my mom's side. I'm just really aggravated lately. One thing that is really annoying is the fact that they treat my boyfriend like shit. He has never done anything mean to anyone, so I don't understand why they are so mean to him. They might be joking, but it's not funny anymore. I really wish I would have stuck up for him the first time they ever said anything, because maybe they wouldn't say anything anymore. And now he doesn't ever want to be around them. It hurts me that they only treat MY boyfriend like crap. They don't understand that it hurts my feelings. I'm done letting them upset me and I'm done not defending myself. The next time they say something that is even the tiniest bit offensive I'm gonna say something. Hopefully I will actually go through with what I'm saying. I don't wanna cause problems within my family, but technically they are the ones causing the problems. Another thing is that my one cousin seems to be nicer and happier when talking to everyone except me. I feel like she feels I'm not good enough to talk to her. I guess I'll just get over it, but it's not that easy. It sucks that this is my family that's making me feel this way. I don't think they really understand what family means. I thought I did but I realized I didn't once I was introduced to a real family. I've been really angry lately and I really think the root of it is the feeling of unappreciation. But today I had a really long talk with someone and I felt special for the first time in a really long time. I'm going to forget about all of the stupid shit that upsets me and live like there's no tomorrow. I really want to be happy all of the time and I really am a happy person just not lately. Well, I really feel a lot better now. Now it's time to try and fall asleep and wake up tomorrow with a smile on my face (:

Only two more weeks of school, then it's christmas break. Yesterday, I started my english project, which is due on december 18 and i almost found everything i need to get started. Today I am supposed to work on my gov project, but my partner hasn't texted me back :/ I really really don't feel like doing that project, my gov class is so stupid. I actually want to do my english project because it's like scrapbooking. I really hope my partner texts me soon.

So, its been a while since i last wrote on here. It's summer finally. I have like no stress i love it!! Alex has two days left of his summer class and then it will really feel like summer (: I can't wait until July so i can go to Houghton Lake! Hopefully we can have a whole family trip with no fighting at all. Lately i've been babysitting, bowling, kind of exercizing, trying to eat and drink better, hanging out with Alex, going to drumline, and working on a cadence. Today, or i should say tonight i talked to Taylor for the first time in a long time. I miss her a lot, so hopefully we'll start hanging out soon.

I am now a legal driver! I left school before third hour to get my license and my mom let me stay home lol. I'm so happy I have my license now! I thought I would never get it, but I did (: This weekend was great! On Friday, Lisa came home and me her and Russell went to Olga's for dinner and hungout after. Then, Alex came over and we went and played tennis it was really fun. On Saturday, I turned 16 (: took my road test, passed it, and then had my birthday party with my friends it was so fun! Afterwards, I went to Taylor's party and spent the night there. I didn't go to sleep until 6:45 in the morning! On Sunday, after leaving Taylor's I cleaned the basement, I took a shower, got ready, and then Alex came over. I was really mean to him because I was all crabby from not getting any sleep the night before, but it's okay now. We went to this pet store and looked around. Then, we went to Lakeside and I bought a shirt and zip up hoodie from A&F. I was pretty gay the whole day but I'm trying to be better.

I'm so bored. I'm kinda starting to feel like Alex doesn't want to be with me as much as he used to :/ He says he does, but idk it just feels different. Like i know that it feels different after a while but still. Like i want to hangout with him so bad and i feel like he doesn't want to. On Friday we both went to Andrea's birthday party and we weren't together at all. Normally we would be by each other but we weren't at all it kinda sucked. I know he just wanted to be with his friends since he barely ever gets to see them but we dont really see each other that much anymore now that im doing tennis and i always have homework but i dont think he even realizes that we barely see each other or something. Because once we're together for five minutes its like we were never apart. It kinda sucks how like he texts me and says cute things and then he sounds all happy on the phone but once he comes over hes not that happy. I really think that i dont make him happy anymore. I can understand though because im a horrible girlfriend. I expect way too much im always worrying about everything and im just always a bitch. Im never gonna find anyone else who will actually put up with all my stupid shit. Idk i think im just over reacting hes probably happy and does wanna be with me but i freak out about everything. I wish i could be different in a good way.

I think I'm sick. I woke up today feeling like absolute crap, I still don't really feel good. My throat is killing me and my head is just kinda funny. I'm sure I'll be fine though.

So the tennis meeting is tomorrow (: I'm so excited to be on a team! I also really really want the sweats and stuff too! Last year the tennis team got fleeces too, I hope they do that this year.

This weekend did end up being good. It didn't go exactly as I planned, but it was still good. On Friday, Alex picked me up from school. My mom went and got fish from church and we all ate together. Later on Alex and I went to the mall and then came back and hungout. I actually made Alex made for once and I totally deserved for him to be way more mean that he was. He wasn't even mean directly to me I could just tell that he was mad. After a while everything was fine. On Saturday, me and Lisa went to Olive Garden for lunch it was fun. I drove there. Afterwards Taylor came over and me, Lisa, Taylor, and my Mom all went to Lakeside. Then we went to Dick's so me and Lisa could get shoes. I drove to the mall. Taylor didn't spend the night, but I ended up getting invited to the movies. I went with Melissa and Ola. We saw taken it was so good! After that Alex came over for a little bit. On Sunday, Lisa and I went to church (I drove) and after me, her, and Alex went to Panera (I drove there too). Then Lisa left and me and Alex went to Pets Mart we were there for a long time. It was really fun though!

I want my license soooooooooooooooo bad!!!!

So, school has actually been really good this week. Not too much homework and I'm not stressed out. There is one thing I am worried about though. I've decided that I'm going to do tennis. BUT the thing is try outs are on the ninth and I have segment two on the ninth! I really hope that tryouts are later on in the day because segment two is right after school until 4:45. I want to do tennis so bad! I wanted to before because me and Alex played all the time and it was so fun and he told me I was really good. But then I changed my mind because I was worried I would get overwhelmed with having to worry about school and then having practice everyday but today Alex talked me into it because he knows that I want to do it. A bunch of my friends are doing it to and that would give me a chance to make even more friends. I was so upset when I realized that try outs and segment two are on the same day. I'll just keep praying that I'll be able to try out! There's a meeting next Tuesday the 3rd so I'll figure everything out then.

For Lent I gave up swearing, being negative, and being mean to Alex. So far, I'm doing okay. I haven't swore yet, I haven't been mean to Alex, but I have still been kind of negative. Just today Alex and I went running and he kept saying you can do it you can do it and of course I kept saying no I can't I need to really work on that. Alex said he used to always be how I am when it comes to that, but now he always says that he can, which I need to start doing.

So, like I said this week was good so hopefully tomorrow won't ruin it. Lisa's coming home tomorrow (: I'm excited! Hopefully she'll be home in time to go to the fish fry. After that Alex is coming over and we might go see a movie. I might try and find an indoor tennis place instead I'm not sure. Then on Saturday Taylor's spending that night so that should be fun! Sunday me and Lisa are going to church and then I'm hanging out with Alex. It should be a good weekend (:

Ew School.

So tomorrow's Monday which means back to reality. I hate school so much. This break was pretty boring, but I'd much rather be at home bored than at school. I know this will never happen but I wish Alex still went to school with me. Last year I didn't miss any school because I knew he was there. This year I have missed school. I don't care about going at all. I didn't stay home for no reason, but if I would've gone I'm sure I would've been fine.

Today I was looking forward to hanging out with Alex once I was ready, but of course that can never happen anymore. Something always comes up. His family has to make it a family trip to go get their computer fixed or whatever it is they have to do. Don't get me wrong I love his family, but I never really got to spend time with him as much anymore. They always want him home or he has homework or something. Today's my last day of break I don't want to spend it all by myself in my room all day I want to hangout with him. I have no idea when he'll be able to though.

I was really proud of myself today though. When Alex told me how he couldn't hangout right away or whatever I didn't get mad or upset or anything (: It bothered me a little bit, but I didn't cry or anything. I really am trying to change my attitude.

Somethings like wrong with me. I have the worst anger problems lately and it's bugging the hell out of me! I keep crying about everything too. I'm not even on or about to be on my period. I feel like I need anger management or something. I keep embarassing myself. I keep apologizing to Alex for being an idiot and I'm worried one time when I apologize he's not going to want to forgive me anymore. I'm trying so hard, but I guess not hard enough. I'm so scared to go back to school, I hate it so much. It's so hard and it' so stressful. I wish I was on break this coming week too because Alex is. Today's going to be really boring. I was supposed to be going to a birthday party with Alex's family, but his cousin is sick so they canceled it. Now, in order for Alex to be able to eat over tomorrow he has to eat at home today. That sucks because now I'll do nothing all day and it's Saturday! I want to actually do something. The bad part is that I want to do something with Alex not any of my friends. My friends never call me anyways they always say they want to hangout and then never call. I don't want it to always be up to me to plan when we're hanging out because then I feel like they don't even want to hangout. Maybe if I go take a shower I'll feel better. I'm gonna go try that,

So of course I'm on here to complain. It really bothers me how Alex gets in trouble by his parents when he hasn't even done anything. Like today, his dad's car is getting fixed or something so they have to go get it. His dad is sick so him and his mom have to go get it and his mom yells at him because they have to go get the car. Like come on what was the point of yelling at him? It's not his fault that they have to get the car or that his dad is sick! I just had to get that out it was bothering me. I'm kind of upset because I thought we were finally going to get to hangout all day and then now we can't because he has to wait five million years to go get the car. Whatever.

I really wish I would get my butt up on Sundays and go to church. I always say I'm going to go, and then I don't want to wake up. Also, I can't go when Lisa isn't here because I have no one to take me. Once I get my license I'm hoping I'll get myself to go. I really like it there. Alex won't go because he thinks he'd get freaked out. He's more for strict lutheran religion plus he loves his church. His family invited me to go with them and I kind of want to, but then I feel bad intruding on there family activities.
Russell is driving me crazy right now! Whenever he has friends over he has to act like a complete idiot. He thinks that just because I can swear(wow what a big priviledge) that he can. He's 11 I'm almost 16! Get over it! He really bothers me sometimes like when he says he hopes that I die that kills me. I try not to show it, but it really does hurt. Well, I need to go downstairs and get the hell away from him before I punch him in the face!

(:

I feel a lot better now. Me and Alex talked and I apologized like a million times and of course he said he didn't deserve the apology (he did!). But I feel so much better now (: I'm gonna try to be a lot happier and a lot more positive about everything. I really want to get my body the way I want it to be. I think that has been part of why I've been so angry lately. When I'm not happy with myself I'm not happy with anyone. I'm gonna try and do whatever I can to make my body look the way I want it to it's hard though when I'm not old enough to go to a gym, but oh well. Well I'm going to sleep goodnight (:

Ugh.

I feel so bad I keep being mean to Alex lately. I don't know why but I'm just letting everything bother me. I get mad at him even when it's about things that aren't even his fault. When I wake up I tell myself this is going to be a good day and then I let something stupid ruin my day. Like yesterday I got mad at Alex because he said we couldn't hangout the entire day today because he had to go to the gym and I friggin got mad! Like why? That's so stupid who cares! But yeah I got mad and it pisses me off when he tries to turn it all around and blame it on himself when I know that it's 100% my fault! Just like ten minutes ago when he called me I got mad at him because yesterday I asked him if he wanted to go out to lunch and he said no we'll go tomorrow so I was like fine I got mad about that because I'm stupid. And then now today he says he doesn't want to go out to eat anymore because he doesn't feel like driving yet he'll go drive to the gym and wherever else with Spencer. It's stupid for me to get mad, but I can't help it. I'm trying but i'm not doing very well. Well I'm gonna go get ready even though I have to wait like two more hours to hangout with Alex so I don't know what the rush is.

Thursday

I should be doing my homework, but I'm kind of upset. This is so stupid, but it just made me mad. I was invited to Steve Mazur's party. I asked if Alex could come and Steve was like of course he can! And I asked Alex and he said he doesn't want to go. Like I guess maybe it's uncool because it's a high school party and he's in college, but it just sucks. I thought he would want to go, but he said he doesn't really like anyone that will be there so I guess I have to go by myself :( That's gonna suck. Oh well, I guess I'll get over it.

Tuesday

My laptop is finally going to be fixed! My brother and my neighbor are totally redoing it this weekend. That makes me feel so much better! Computers are seriously so annoying when they don't do what you want them to do. Well, this week has been okay so far. Yesterday was good until sixth hour. Mrs. Kasle yelled at me because writing while she was talking. What's funny is I was writing down my homework which she yells at us to do and she was talking about stupid groundhogs which has nothing to do with Spanish. She's so annoying sometimes. Today was fine nothing exciting nothing too bad. I'm liking this semester more than last. I have more friends now. I'm really glad that I'm talking to Taylor Davidson again and Natalie VanDorn.
Sweethearts is on Friday and I'm so excited (: I love love love my dress its red and its just really cute.

Monday

So school is actually better this semester. I started talking to some of my old friends it's nice. At lunch I'm sitting with some friends that i kinda stopped talking to. But we're already becoming friends again. I actually feel like i have friends now, and i've been a lot happier lately (: I'm just realizing that there's no point in being upset or sad or angry all the time. You just gotta be happy and nice and live life as it comes at you. I'm not saying that i'll never get upset again because that would be a lie, i'm just saying that unless it's something that's a big deal i'll try not to get upset. I like being happy all the time, it makes me feel a whole lot better about myself. I really wish my laptop was fixed right now, this keyboard sucks. I'm so excited for Sweethearts! I got my dress and i love it! Its "form fitting" as my mom always says hahah. I actually think that i look good in it and not fat like i would usually think. I had a spanish test today and I have another one on Wednesday and Friday isn't that crazy? I hope i do alright. I have to find a biography for english and i have no idea who to read about. I was gonna read about the ice man but my teacher said no killing which is stupid. She's like you can read about whoever you want so i was like oh cool that'll be easy, but then she says they have to be American and blah blah blah blah blah so really we can't read about whoever we want. I have to have one by Wednesday and its already Monday so i don't know. I'll probably end up reading Alex's Fredrick Douglas one. I don't really want to, but I don't really have much of a choice that's like my only option. Hopefully my weeks goes alright.

New Semester

I'm atually kinda looking forward to next semester. I'll actually have some friends in my lunch which is great! I think I have more friends in my classes now too. Even though I pretty much hate Cousino I have to make the best of it. I honestly can't find anything good about it, but whatever. What really sucks is because of the new principal there's no pep rally for Sweetheart's, that's so retarded! Well, i'm going out to eat with Alex soon, so this is just a short one.

So, this is kinda like live journal i guess, except for the fact that no one uses live journal anymore.
I basically hate high school. I can't wait to leave. Even though everyone says that they wish they were still in high school i dont care. I loved it last year because Alex and his friends were there. Mainly because Alex was there though. I hate watching everyone with boyfriends and then i just stand there like a loner. I mean, don't get me wrong i love knowing that i have a boyfriend that i can see after school and him not being at Cousino does make me more excited to see him, but i loved having him at Cousino with me. Another thing i hate is all the stuck up bitches. I can tell everytime they look at me they're judging me and it pisses me off. Also i hate how people give me a problem because i'm smart. I'd rather do good in school and make something of my life then just sit around and be a fat retard like most of the people at my school. I had a cold day today which i am extremely happy about. Don't get me wrong, i do have friends and all. I know it sounds like i have no friends and my life is horrible, but it isn't that's just how i make it sound when im angry.